the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
