go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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