i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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