I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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