Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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