Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
