My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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