and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
time to smoke my breakfast
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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