My underwear smells like fireworks.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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