My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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