I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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