Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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