Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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