he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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