Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
