I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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