my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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