I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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