I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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