i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Green mimosas i think yes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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