I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
