He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
