Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
