Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
