i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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