I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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