And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
