you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
