she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
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Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
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I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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