I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
