don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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