I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
