I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
