FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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