Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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