so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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