textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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