my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
