There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
