Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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