All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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