after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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