Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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