i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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