trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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