I looked at my own cervix.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
