Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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