I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
