Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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