I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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