Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
