I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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