I smell stomach acid.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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