im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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