someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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