I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
