oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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